Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
