I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
