I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
