capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
