I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
