I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
