this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
