Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
