Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
