you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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