Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
