I am midnight drunk by noon
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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