NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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