we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
