I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
