dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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