I like my sex mixed with concussions.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she peed on how many people?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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