I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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