Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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