Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
