we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
