He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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