sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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