We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
