If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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