Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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