ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
please come you make the beer taste better
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i drank out of a bidet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
