I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
