Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
