Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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