I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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