The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
