if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
