We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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