i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
