It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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