she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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