On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im holly from the hills drunk
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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