my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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