i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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