he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
