i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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