Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
