Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dick very happy bro
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
