6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
