"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
