I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
