i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
