Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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