Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
