can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
